Home > Teddy Bear Diary > [August, 1993] Really Crazy Idea

[August, 1993] Really Crazy Idea


Monday, August 23, 1993

Dear Journal,
My summer has not been that boring. The thing I have been doing the most is writing. I just started one day and now I have 64 pages and seven chapters completed. That is the most I have ever written. I hope to have at least 80 pages done before school starts. School. Ugh. I have to go back in less than three weeks.

It will be great seeing my friends again. And Leon (he’s my friend too but I have to put him in a separate category because I am going to write about him). Thus summer, I have kept in touch with him more than I have with Didi. I think we have become really good friends. In one of my letters I told him that even though we might not see each other on the bus a lot, I wanted to stay good friends and not lose touch. He said he agreed in his next letter.

Also, one night I couldn’t fall asleep and I got this really crazy idea in my head. I thought I should ask Leon out! I wasn’t even sure I liked him but I thought since we had so much in common (movies, books, MUSIC) it would make sense. Plus, I rationalized that we would not see each other a lot anyway so this way we could. And if it didn’t work out, or if he turned me down, I wouldn’t see him much. Then I realized it would be a mistake, especially since I was not sure how I felt.

What I did decide was to invite him to lunch before we went in to get our schedules. I couldn’t ask over the phone so I wrote him a 6-page letter and asked him at the very end if he wanted to have lunch, just as friends. He got it the day he had to leave for Paris and called me a couple of hours before. Before we hung up he said he would call me when he got back so we could get together and have lunch. That made my day.

A couple of days ago I had a dream that made me think about things. It took place right across the street from Hunter and is this area of steps, benches and plants that is attached to this huge building next to it. Leon and I were both there and we were standing face to face. Then we… we kissed. It was strange. The kiss was alright, I guess, but afterwards everything was very uncomfortable. I don’t know, it’s weird.

It’s stating the obvious, but maybe my subconscious was trying to tell me there was no real chemistry with Leon, and that we should stay friends. Of course, I would never take such sensible advice from my subconscious. What would be the fun in that?

Granted, I did not have the most auspicious record of asking boys out. One disaster was followed by a second blow to my ego. Both left traces of embarrassment and disappointment, but obviously not enough that I wasn’t ready to attempt a rejection trifecta–albeit, one in which I lose every race.

Leon was different, though. He wasn’t some boy I developed a crush on because of good looks. He was someone whose personality engaged me, someone who I wanted to have a crush on in a way, because he was someone actually worth liking. Except that there was still something not quite there in terms of romantic potential. In theory, I should have been head over heels, but in practice I…wasn’t. Nor was I used to being so friendly with a boy on a platonic level, which was all kinds of confusing to a self-professed “guyaholic.” So for once, I was going to try to be a bit more cautious and sensible, boring qualities it was becoming necessary to cultivate.

Regardless of this romantic ambivalence and machination, considering the fact that Leon and I are friends today, I must have done something right.

  1. October 15, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    I never learned either. Oy.

    • October 18, 2010 at 10:03 am

      Yeah, fat lot of good those Teen/YM/Sassy How To Turn Him Into More Than A Friend articles did.

  2. Liz
    October 21, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Good lord, did I repeat that mistake again, and again, and again. The funny thing is, my fiance is actually a guy with whom I genuinely was just friends with for about two years! However, this is the exception far more than the rule. I can’t even count the number of times I humiliated myself (essentially, repeatedly from about age 15 to 27) by trying to Turn Him various Hims) Into More Than A Friend!!!

    • Liz
      October 21, 2010 at 3:44 pm

      sorry, don’t know how to edit/delete a comment, but that should have said (various Hims) with both parens.
      (OCD much?!)

      • October 21, 2010 at 4:30 pm

        Haha, OCD more than a little, but I’m the same way, so no worries.

        And I see your 15-27 humbling years as practice for the real thing. What’s important is that you finally *did* Turn Him Into More Than A Friend. 😉

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