Home > Red Spiral Notebook > [May 1995] Stealing Punk

[May 1995] Stealing Punk

[Preface: I debated leaving this diary entry out, because there’s a chance that the person it’s about will read it. And while I’ve written about my friendship with Claudia and my disdain at her punk evolution, I don’t think I’ve ever properly delved into just how much fun we had, too.

Claudia was a big reason I actually started enjoying my later years at high school. We went to concerts and parties. We had boozy adventures. We went trick-or-treating on the Upper West Side (I was a gypsy, she was zombie Marilyn Monroe). We talked about music and boys and bonded over the fact that we both felt like oddballs in a sea of conformists. But more than that, having grown up with some pretty overprotective parents, Claudia gave me the freedom to finally start enjoying being a teenager living in New York City. She was always generous with letting me stay over her house, even when I lied to my parents about where I was going that night.

So when she became progressively more immersed in punk,  it was frustrating to see her becoming destructive and what I perceived as disingenuous, and also hurtful to see our friendship beginning to wane. But instead of talking things through with her, I channeled a lot of those feelings into anger and overwrought writing. Case in point:]  

I can't accept Barbie as a punk, either.

I can’t accept Barbie as a punk, either.

5/4/95

out of faux-cus. locks of primary colors minus the sunshine. don’t become. she does anyway. shoplifting sweetness, but it doesn’t make her genuine. a pathetic echo, a the acid princess emerges and is swatted away, the playfriends tired of this game. she really tries to mean it when she’s bad, full of angst, doing wrong. now they’ve seen her fake passport and won’t let her past the gates. by rejecting stability for a wilder ride she flies in careless circles. she is hated for not being. the silence will pull her back into her skin.

So yeah, more annoyance at Claudia. She listened to Green Day and Hole and got her hair dyed blue in expensive salons. She lived in a gorgeous house in Manhattan and I never saw her parents be anything other than loving to her. She got busted for shoplifting candy with $40 on her (which is likely what prompted this entry).

I don’t know what drove the need to try to pass herself off as a punk and, looking back on it, it shouldn’t matter, but at the time it came off as so phony to me. It felt like she was trying too hard and not being herself, whereas hanging out in the freak hallway freed me up to be more myself. But who knows, at the time, Claudia might have felt the same way about her heavy-handed foray into the punk scene. And truth be told, there was probably a part of me that was jealous at her ability to be a “badass” because I never had the guts to subvert authority like that. Lying to my parents about what I was really doing when I slept over her house was as subversive as I got (at least in high school).

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  1. November 19, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    That’s not a “punk” Barbie!! It’s a TOKIDOKI BARBIE AND SHE IS FLIPPIN’ AMAZING!!! 🙂

    I’m sure some people felt similarly about me as I delved into punk. Though, the only difference in my personality came in being much more confident and outgoing. I just stopped giving a shit what people thought of me b/c I knew they were already judging me based on appearances. I never started acting out, like stealing or vandalizing. I was “badass” in the sense that I just spoke my mind and did what I wanted. But I was still the goody-two-shoes that got good grades and followed (most of) the rules. (Yeah I mostly just did the lying about where I was at night too. haha) Plus I really liked the music. 🙂 Poor Claudia. haha

    Seriously, though, don’t dis my Barbie. (Especially b/c it’s worth hundreds of dollars now. haha I wish I bought two…or five.)

    • November 21, 2013 at 11:21 pm

      Alright, alright, I stand corrected. Your Barbie is wonderful (seriously, I would love that outfit).

  2. November 22, 2013 at 1:37 pm

    You should have see the hullabaloo over that Barbie from moms bitching that Barbie shouldn’t have tattoos or whatever b/c of reasons. Idiots. Meanwhile it’s a $50 collector’s Barbie that no kid would see at a toy store anyway. People suck.

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